evanevanevan

There is a commercial where an incredibly smug man brags about knowing exactly what he wants to order at the Olive Garden without even having to consult a menu.

This is the worst man in the world.

Okay. Let's try this blog thing again. Sorry folks. Here's something I was writing back in November. Not exactly timely anymore, and maybe it's stupid, but whatevs. Something to get back me back in gear.

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As you've all heard, it's the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street, a show very dear to my heart, as it is toward many many people around the world. So naturally, I need to take this opportunity to be a grouch.

Perhaps you have not seen the show in ten+ years. Well, I have, and I am sorry to have to report: Sesame Street is a mere shadow of its former self.

Sesame Street is probably the single most influential children's television show of all time, with its impact spreading out internationally. It is the landmark kids' show that all others look toward. So why oh why, Sesame Workshop (née Children's Television Workshop), do you feel so insecure about your own relevance that you feel compelled to "keep up" with the changes in children's programming you perceive happening around you?

So what am I talking about? What happened?

Well, a lot of things. One you can't really blame anyone for, which is the loss of key personnel. Obviously, no one could ever really fill Jim Henson's shoes after his death - though to their credit, I think the staff did a tremendous job for a long time. Henson passed when I was four years old, so right in the middle of my prime Sesame Street viewing period, and I certainly didn't detect any drop in quality at the time. Frank Oz has moved on to bigger things, which is his right, only stopping by about once a year to tape new segments. I have no doubt that there are still talented writers and performers on the show, but it's still a legacy show. They just can't possibly share that same energy among that magical group of individuals who made the show so exciting back in 1969, anymore than the current writers of, say, a comic strip like Gasoline Alley can never hope to imitate Frank King's gentle charm.

The music has also suffered. I don't think there's anything offensively awful about the songs produced on the show now. But they are not Joe Raposo. They are not Jeff Moss. When was the last time the show produced something as infectious as "Rubber Duckie?" As devastating as "Somebody Come and Play?" As danceable as "A New Way to Walk?" As melancholy as "I Don't Want to Live on the Moon?" The era of classic songs is over, I'm afraid.

But if there's one simple turning point to mark where the series went downhill, it's Elmopocalypse. Elmo is perhaps too easy of a scapemonster. But I think perhaps in this case it's warranted. Now I think Elmo is cute. I think Elmo is a fine character to have in their repertory. But all of a sudden, Children's Television Workshop discovered that some people reaaaaaaaaally liked Elmo. And they spent a whole lot of money on Elmo merchandise. Remember the Tickle Me Elmo insanity of 1997? Since then, Sesame Street has become The Elmo Show. Almost literally. If you haven't watched the show recently, you might be shocked to find that Elmo has his own 15-minute segment in every single episode, called "Elmo's World." And all this comes at the expense of so many other great characters who now struggle for screen time, like Cookie Monster, Prairie Dawn, and my spirit animal - Grover.

That's not the only change in format they've tried. In 2002, at the height of the popularity of Blue's Clues, Sesame Street introduced another weekly segment, a blatant rip-off called "Journey to Ernie" where viewers were asked to help find Ernie in a CGI landscape. Sesame Workshop was also duped into the (highly profitable) scam perpetrated by Teletubbies and Baby Einstein, creating television for infants despite a total lack of evidence that it benefits them in any way, or that they even have any idea what the hell is going on with that box emitting light. But the market demanded it, as parents now need technology as a substitute for babysitting and parenting even sooner, apparently, and so - Sesame Beginnings.

I suppose it's logical to some degree that the show would become so obsessed with following market trends. Sesame Street's success was largely due to an innovative approach co-opting the techniques of the advertising world to teach the basics of reading and counting. Each episode famously has a pair of sponsors - one letter and one number - which each show up in brief short films that appear as commercial breaks in between narrative segments. These slots also allowed for charming segments with some of those other wonderful characters, and for trippier animations which served for millions of children as their introduction to Philip Glass.

But now, there's less and less time for any of that. There's also just less Sesame Street in general. Up until 1998, 130 episodes of the show were produced each season. And last year, in Season 39? A grand total of 26.

As much as I'd like to, I'm not able to spend a ton of time watching daytime children's programming these days, so I can't say with certainty that there aren't new worthwhile shows on TV now. But I haven't seen or heard of any. I find it hard to imagine something new coming in to adequately fill the holes that the diminishing value of Sesame Street and the loss of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood (which I've spoken about before) leave. I find it hard to envision some sort of 21st century internet-based children's educational programming revival, either. These shows, in their prime, I think really represented the pinnacle of television's use as a medium. They offered a regular solace to children that they knew they could always count on. You don't know how much comfort I took knowing that I'd be able to enter that world every morning at 10 a.m. When I was living abroad as a child, I had so much separation anxiety from American children's television that I had my grandparents tape weeks worth of Mister Rogers and Sesame Street and ship it over to me, which I would watch over and over again.

I'm running out of steam here, so I'll just end with the most perfect moment in the history of the show:

More than a month ago, the city of Chicago tore up every street around my house so they could resurface them. On day one, they screwed up and broke the water main under my block. Though they've since repaved most of the other blocks around my house, the cryptic letter they left us said that ours won't be finished until "sometime in 2010."

In the meantime, we're left with this sign that fails to use either of the two acceptable spellings of "thru."

As one of many people closely following the story of Falcon Heene yesterday with rapt attention, I have to strongly object to the unfortunate nickname the media and others are bestowing on him: "Balloon Boy." This name reflects the general attitude I've noticed where people regard the incident merely as wacky news. "OMG, it's a real-life version of Up!" seems to be the common sentiment, turning Falcon into fodder for late-night comedians' monologues.

Was I the only person not to see goofiness in the story, but instead saw it as mysterious and beautiful as it unfolded? To me, this wasn't just a stunning example of bad parenting, but represented supreme wish-fulfillment. A six-year-old boy untethering the mysterious flying machine behind the house, embarking on a tremendous adventure, escaping from a drab family life into the air. It was as if an ocean had tumbled by with a private airship for Falcon.

While watching the live feed of the balloon rapidly descending, I was filled with concern for his safety, but my concern really more closely resembled the feeling of exhilaration I get in a falling dream moments before waking up. And when the realization came that he was not in the balloon and could be seemingly anywhere in a large area of rural Colorado, my imagination continued to run wild. After it was suggested he might be hiding in the neighborhood for fear of retribution, the efforts of officials on the ground to find him no longer seemed like a "search,", but instead became a "chase" in my mind. Falcon was a fugitive from a world threatened by his imagination and his desire to fly away to something better.

The whole incident invites obvious comparisons to so many cultural touchstones, but I'm shocked by how everyone is comparing it to the wrong ones. This isn't about Up or Danny Deckchair! Have people forgotten Le Ballon rouge? Brewster McCloud? And, most importantly, the story of Daedelus and Icarus, of the tragic consequences of a father's attempt to give his son flight?

By this time Icarus began to feel the joy
Of beating wings in air and steered his course
Beyond his father’s lead: all the wide sky
Was there to tempt him as he steered toward heaven.
Meanwhile the heat of sun struck at his back
And where his wings were joined, sweet-smelling fluid
Ran hot that once was wax. His naked arms
Whirled into wind; his lips, still calling out
His father’s name, were gulfed in the dark sea.
And the unlucky man, no longer father,
Cried, “Icarus, where are you, Icarus,
Where are you hiding, Icarus, from me?”
Then as he called again, his eyes discovered
The boy’s torn wings washed on the climbing waves.
He damned his art, his wretched cleverness,
Rescued the body and placed it in a tomb,
And where it lies the land’s called Icarus.

And that's why I'm not bothered by the possibility that it all may have been a hoax. From the beginning, the story always lay more in the realm of myth. The fact that the boy flying away was named Falcon makes it clear. This was never a news event. It was a fable.

Since November of 2006, I have been slowly plodding through Dark Shadows, the classic vampire soap opera from the '60s. I've watched some 270 episodes now, but considering there are a total of 1,225 episodes to see, at my current pace, I won't be finished with the show until some time in 2019.

But in all the hundred hours of the show I've seen so far, my favorite line came in the episode I saw last night:

"I was under the impression that you wanted to discuss my harpoon collection."

Also, the framed reproduction of the portrait of Barnabas Collins hanging in my living room often yields amusing results while watching the show:

I was reading about James Henry Breasted, the founder of the Oriental Institute and a fellow resident of my hometown of Downers Grove, Illinois, and I discovered that at one point his house on campus was what is now the Phi Gamma Delta (or "Fiji") frat house at my alma mater, the University of Chicago.

Searching around, I found this amazing undated photo of the exterior of Fiji from the Reg's Special Collections image archive:

Previously: God Loves Frats

A new roommate has arrived at my apartment, which means it's time for another ridiculously decorated room. We've begun to decorate our kitchen with a fancy-restaurant-meets-very-muddled-understanding-of-Jewish-holidays theme, just in time for the High Holy Days.

This is the permanent kitchen set-up that I wake up to every morning:

I'm thinking my apartment needs an easy name to refer to it by. Perhaps The Playhouse would be logical, as Pee Wee tends to be the most frequent point of reference used to describe it?

Previously: Coming soon to my roundhouse

Brian pulled out of the vault this online conversation we had several years ago. This is it in its entirety; nothing preceded it. Please note that Brian's "heavy boxes" screen name predated the naming of my band by years.

heavy boxes (12:18:30 AM): boomer esiason.
RL Steinbeck (12:18:52 AM): mother goose and grimm
heavy boxes (12:19:13 AM): kirby pucket
RL Steinbeck (12:19:47 AM): mavis beacon
heavy boxes (12:20:24 AM): foghorn leghorn
RL Steinbeck (12:21:18 AM): maniac mcgee
heavy boxes (12:21:33 AM): tommyknockers
RL Steinbeck (12:22:29 AM): robert plant
heavy boxes (12:22:39 AM): judge judy
RL Steinbeck (12:22:50 AM): the big bopper
heavy boxes (12:22:55 AM): dennis leary
RL Steinbeck (12:23:24 AM): desmond tutu
heavy boxes (12:24:11 AM): boutros boutros ghali
RL Steinbeck (12:25:22 AM): kato kaelin
heavy boxes (12:25:37 AM): trajan
RL Steinbeck (12:26:32 AM): julia louis dreyfuss
heavy boxes (12:31:51 AM): niels bohr
RL Steinbeck (12:32:29 AM): marie curie
heavy boxes (12:32:57 AM): benvolio
RL Steinbeck (12:33:55 AM): sergeant slaughte
RL Steinbeck (12:33:56 AM): r
heavy boxes (12:34:07 AM): judy dench
RL Steinbeck (12:34:18 AM): candide
heavy boxes (12:34:42 AM): gustave flaubert
RL Steinbeck (12:36:41 AM): ruff mcgruff
heavy boxes (12:36:59 AM): tintoretto
RL Steinbeck (12:38:17 AM): dave berry
heavy boxes (12:38:45 AM): john rocker
RL Steinbeck (12:39:21 AM): cuba gooding Sr.
heavy boxes (12:39:57 AM): calvin coolidge
RL Steinbeck (12:40:24 AM): engelbert humperdinck
heavy boxes (12:40:34 AM): matthew lesko
RL Steinbeck (12:40:58 AM): doctor jekyll
heavy boxes (12:41:26 AM): udo kier
RL Steinbeck (12:42:06 AM): mick ronson
heavy boxes (12:42:27 AM): chupacabra
RL Steinbeck (12:42:46 AM): erroll flynn
heavy boxes (12:43:14 AM): myrna loy
RL Steinbeck (12:43:26 AM): eddie & jobo
heavy boxes (12:43:57 AM): charo
RL Steinbeck (12:45:54 AM): madame tussaud
heavy boxes (12:47:15 AM): buddy glass
RL Steinbeck (12:48:05 AM): colonel mustard
heavy boxes (12:49:10 AM): dominique dawes
RL Steinbeck (12:49:45 AM): shawn kemp
heavy boxes (12:50:11 AM): bobby thigpen
RL Steinbeck (12:50:24 AM): phil lesh
heavy boxes (12:51:21 AM): wynonna judd
RL Steinbeck (12:51:42 AM): winslow homer
heavy boxes (12:53:02 AM): cornelius cardew
RL Steinbeck (12:54:44 AM): connie chung
heavy boxes (12:55:02 AM): benjamin banneker
RL Steinbeck (12:56:42 AM): tom clancy
heavy boxes (12:58:05 AM): bob "butterbean" love
RL Steinbeck (12:59:36 AM): my cousin vinnie
heavy boxes (1:01:59 AM): bastion booger
RL Steinbeck (1:11:38 AM): mark mcgrath
heavy boxes (1:12:33 AM): pancho villa
RL Steinbeck (1:12:44 AM): betsy ross
heavy boxes (1:12:56 AM): broomhilda
RL Steinbeck (1:13:13 AM): kangaroo jack
heavy boxes (1:13:24 AM): sam kinison
RL Steinbeck (1:14:12 AM): gene krupa
heavy boxes (1:14:23 AM): dan and ada rice
RL Steinbeck (1:18:06 AM): malcolm jamal warner
heavy boxes (1:18:32 AM): macgyver
RL Steinbeck (1:18:48 AM): sister wendy
heavy boxes (1:19:10 AM): lonnie anderson
RL Steinbeck (1:19:48 AM): rupert everett
heavy boxes (1:20:04 AM): rowdy roddy piper
RL Steinbeck (1:22:11 AM): sarah jessica parker
heavy boxes (1:22:45 AM): marcus garvey
RL Steinbeck (1:23:21 AM): lance bass
heavy boxes (1:24:00 AM): rod argent
RL Steinbeck (1:24:44 AM): lawrence fishburne
heavy boxes (1:25:19 AM): william carlos williams
RL Steinbeck (1:25:53 AM): lester bangs
heavy boxes (1:26:45 AM): the banger sisters (susan sarandon and goldie hawn)
RL Steinbeck (1:27:57 AM): sancho panza
heavy boxes (1:28:27 AM): theodore roetke
RL Steinbeck (1:29:07 AM): glen anthony
heavy boxes (1:31:30 AM): posh spice
RL Steinbeck (1:31:39 AM): ginger baker
heavy boxes (1:32:32 AM): glenn gould
RL Steinbeck (1:33:56 AM): koko taylor
heavy boxes (1:34:16 AM): kiki shepard
RL Steinbeck (1:36:00 AM): morgan fairchild
heavy boxes (1:36:56 AM): sherman alexie
RL Steinbeck (1:38:04 AM): abner doubleday
heavy boxes (1:38:23 AM): horace greeley
RL Steinbeck (1:39:24 AM): eddie cantor
heavy boxes (1:41:16 AM): jake lloyd
RL Steinbeck (1:42:19 AM): sheryl swoopes
heavy boxes (1:43:04 AM): steve shelley
heavy boxes (1:44:35 AM): alright, im out
heavy boxes (1:44:37 AM): goodnight
RL Steinbeck (1:44:39 AM): se ya
RL Steinbeck (1:44:41 AM): e

Lauren Alane makes felted birdies and they are just plain adorabs. Feeling a lot like this li'l guy on this wet autumn day that we are having in August.

[via drawn]